Hayley- from the English, meaning “meadow.”

Bambi’s mother once said, “You must never rush out onto the meadow. There might be danger.” Unfortunately, she wasn’t around to say it to Hayley, who rushes out everywhere. If she was attacked by a Great White Shark, her first instinct would be to cuddle it. Since there aren’t any Great White Sharks around at the moment, she makes do with setting fire to bits of paper in Chemistry and running across busy roads to meet her friends. Hayley’s classmates appreciate her spontaneity, but they are also running a betting pool on what will cause her inevitable gruesome death.

Ivy- from the English, meaning “faithfulness.”

This makes Ivy’s habit of stealing her friends’ boyfriends even odder. She says she doesn’t mean to. There she’ll be, minding her own business, when her best mate will suddenly bring a handsome boy to her table, and, well, Ivy will just lose her heart. She will also conveniently forget about her own boyfriend, stolen from her last best friend only to be callously discarded. Some say that Ivy does this because of a subconscious desire to prove that she’s the smartest and most attractive one in the group, but Ivy maintains that she’s just a romantic. A romantic who has thoroughly traumatised half the boys in town.

Jacqueline- from the French, meaning “supplanter.”

Jacqueline has probably taught more History lessons this year than her actual History teacher. The teacher will barely get more than two sentences out before Jacqueline interrupts with a new and fascinating fact about the Tudor Era. Did you know that Elizabeth the First was famous for flashing her boobs at her entire court? Did you know that Henry the Seventh’s wife used to wear cheap knock-off jewellery because her husband was too cheap to buy her the real stuff? The class will be mesmerised, and the teacher will have lost them for the rest of the lesson. This wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that they’re meant to be studying the Second World War.

Kathleen- from the Greek, meaning “pure.”

So is the cocaine she sells outside the school gates. Enough said.

Laura- from the Spanish, meaning “crowned with laurels.”

In Ancient Rome, war heroes were crowned with laurel wreaths to symbolise their achievements. Laura has a sash covered in Brownie Badges instead. Her classmates have gently tried to tell her that this is not an appropriate thing for a seventeen-year-old girl to wear, but the heartbreakingly proud look on her face when she tells them the story of how she won her Friend To Animals badge is just too much to bear. We all need something to make us feel good about ourselves.

Madeline- from the Hebrew, meaning “woman from Magdala”

Magdala is a place mentioned in the Bible. Madeline herself was not mentioned in the Bible, but try telling her that. You’ll just get a long, condescending lecture about how you’re blinded by your sinful nature, and if only you’d give your heart to Jesus, you’d see that Madeline is right about everything and the greatest person who ever lived. Interestingly, Madeline has been kicked out of three local churches for getting on the vicars’ nerves, which is probably about as close as anyone gets to literally trying the patience of a saint.