It occurs to me that, since chapters 16 and 17 are about five pages long added together, it might be a lot more painless if I just combined them here.  That way, this travesty comes to an end a whole lot quicker.

Gary‘s life turned sour for the fourth time on April Fool’s Day.  I’m sorry to say that it wouldn’t be the last time, either.

Please note the date- we’ve skipped three months since the last chapter.  Anja and pals didn’t use those three months to try and bring down the villain, or to get in touch with their families about the not-being-dead thing.  Instead, they just sat around twiddling their thumbs.  Go them.

I was expecting Joe to play a whole load of April Fool’s tricks on everyone… 

Why?  It’s not as if he’s been in a very jovial mood for the last few chapters.  He’s had exactly one sentence of dialogue since his aunt died, and that was the one where you blew up at him for calling you “ginger.”  Which you are.  If I was him, I wouldn’t be in the mood for fun, either.

…but he remained in the same foul mood he’d been in all week.  It had all started on Monday, when Cherry had told us how serious things were getting between her and Vick.

“Hope you’re not planning on marrying him,” he’d grunted, “If he moves in here, you’ll need one hell of an excuse to explain me.” 

Yeah, there’s a thought.  Are Cherry and Anja planning to keep Joe in the attic for the rest of his life?  If so, you’d think they’d stop inviting his family over at every opportunity.

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake, Joe,” Cherry had laughed, “I’ve only been seeing him for three months.  I’m not in that much of a hurry.  My biological clock ain’t exactly bothering me right now!  I’m only nineteen, remember.”

Cherry was beginning to see the problem I’d had with Joe since November.  Never mind slimy, he was acting like a bear with a sore head.   

GEEZ, I WONDER WHY.

He barely spoke to any of us, and when he did he kept it to a sarcastic remark. 

Like you can talk, Miss Glares-At-People-For-Five-Months-Instead-Of-Having-An-Actual-Conversation.

I was beginning to wonder why he even bothered living with us.

I’m beginning to wonder the same thing.  You’d think, after five months of barely-disguised contempt, he would have gone back to Mark and Estelle and thrown himself on their mercy.

When the day started turning from ordinary to malicious, Cherry had gone out on her date with Vick.  I was sitting back on the sofa that had been cream until Ben had got his hands on it, watching TV. 

No wonder Joe’s in a bad mood.  That’s his deceased aunt’s sofa you’re destroying, Cherry and Ben.

People had stopped nattering on about the terrible Anja Cleary tragedy…

Which you enjoyed, remember.
…so I felt safe to watch news reports again now.  But just because I was safe to watch it didn’t mean there was anything good on, so I was spending more time reading the newspaper over Gary’s shoulder. 

Not that he did much reading.  When his eyes landed on the front page, he practically jumped with shock. 

Then…  How can you have been reading over his shoulder?  I mean, he’d have looked at the front page first, right?  So he wouldn’t have actually read any of it?  Help me out here, Anja. (Also, his eyes landed on the front page?  Did they then roll under the sofa?)

The headline read, in white letters against a black background, All Three Of These Smiling Friends Are Dead.  The photograph next to it showed three teenagers in dorky school uniforms, smiling falsely at the camera.  All three looked as if they were willing the cameraman to hurry up so that they could start chatting again.   

I’m glad that Anja took time out from describing this tragic scene to tell us how dorky their school uniforms were.  Because that’s clearly the most important detail here.

The person on the left-hand side was (you’ve guessed it) Gary.  He was gripping the arm of the person in the middle, who looked suspiciously similar to the girl he’d drawn in his sketchpad.  Her eyes were lit up with annoyance, but apart from that I wouldn’t have been surprised if someone had told me she was a model or a pop star or something, she was so pretty.  The third person was the girl from the memorial programme, Shell. 

Oh, good.  The giraffe in the padded bra.  I’ve missed her.

Gary looked as if someone had punched him in the ribs.  “See, Anja,” he gasped, “That’s what I meant when I said I ruined people’s lives.”  He handed me the paper.  “Read it out, then throw it away.  I don’t want to read it.” 

Normally, I’d roll my eyes at this point and talk about how unnecessarily wangsty Gary is being, but actually, he’s completely right.  Shell’s death is his fault.

I breathed in.  To say I was alarmed would be a major understatement. 

Brilliant prose, now-sixteen-year-old me.

“‘A principle witness in a murder trial has committed suicide, leaving a note saying ‘I can’t live with this fear.’  Michelle Glass, 18, witnessed the brutal murder of her schoolfriend Topaz Seaman last year.  Another witness, Gareth Wolf, was killed in the Anja Cleary disaster two months later.  Michelle’s suicide note suggests that the tragedy may not have been as accidental as previously thought.”  They’ve got that right.”

What they haven’t got right, of course, was the part where Gary didn’t actually die, and has in fact been living the high life in Wild Cherry House and not attempting in any way to get in touch with his doubly-bereaved best friend.  Silly newspapers.

Gary was doubled up with shock.  “Don’t stop,” he whispered.

“OK.  ‘In their statements, Gareth and Michelle claimed that Topaz Seaman, then 16, was killed by Gareth’s stepbrother.  She allegedly confronted Jordan Albright, now 20, over her friend Gareth’s years of abuse at his hands, at which Albright smashed her head repeatedly against the wall, shattering…’ Gary, are you sure you want me to read this?” I asked, noticing definite tears appearing in his eyes.  It was hardly surprising.  He hadn’t seen how Topaz had been killed, and presumably Shell had never been prepared to tell him.  And now she never would.

She never would because she’s dead.  And she’s dead because she killed herself.  And she killed herself because she believed her best friends were both dead.  And she believed her best friends were both dead because Gary never bothered to tell her he was alive.  And Gary never bothered to tell her he was alive because… er… the plot said so, I guess.  The point is, this is all on Gary.

“Please, just tell me.”

“‘Albright denies these charges, and claims that Topaz’s injuries occurred when she tripped over a bag on the floor.  Michelle Glass’ suicide means that there are no surviving eyewitnesses in his trial…

So Gary’s actions haven’t just caused the death of his supposed friend, but may also mean that a sadistic murderer ends up walking free!  Good job there, Gary!

…but her note, in which she claimed to be fearing for her life after Albright ‘had Gary [Wolf] killed,’ may be used as evidence for the prosecution. 

I’m not a lawyer, but I’m almost certain that wouldn’t stand up in court.  OK, it proves that Shell believed Jordan was a threat, but it doesn’t prove that she was right.  And that’s only if you manage to convince the jury that the note isn’t somehow forged.

Michelle’s mother, Gladys, was quoted as saying, ‘Jordan Albright has claimed his third victim- our beautiful, intelligent Shell.  She could never live properly after Topaz and poor Gary died- she thought it was only a matter of time before she was killed as well.’ 

“Gary could, of course, have got in touch and told her he was still alive at any point in the last six months, but that would have cut into his angsting-and-flirting-with-Anja time.”

The trial continues.’  Gary…” I didn’t get any further, because he collapsed sobbing onto my shoulder.

“See?” he sniffed, “She died because I was too selfish to get in touch with her!  And Topaz died because she tried to defend me!  I can’t believe I was so bloody stupid!” 

No arguments here.

“Listen…” I said as I hugged him, feeling useless, “I haven’t got in touch with any of my friends either.  It could just as easily have been Trixie who…”

Yes, but you’re not exactly a paragon of virtue either, are you, Anja?

“Yeah, but none of Trixie’s friends were supposed to be witnesses in a murder case!  Your death wouldn’t have looked like murder, so none of your friends would have worried about being next!  None of your friends knew that there was an evil bastard out to get you!”  He started trembling with fear at the memory.  “If you’re going to leave me, do it now, please.  I don’t want to have to watch you leave. I think it’s possible to be so miserable that you just die there and then, and that’s how I’d feel.” 

Brilliant.  No attempts to contact Shell’s family or the police, no attempts to atone for his gross, gross carelessness- just passive-aggressive wangsting about the possibility of Anja dumping him.  You know what?  I’m glad that awful things happen to Gary in  the last few chapters.

(Oh yeah- SPOILERS.  But the first sentence of this chapter kind of gave it away, didn’t it?)

“Gary!” I squealed, alarmed at how depressed he was.  He hadn’t been this miserable since I’d met him, which for Gary was really saying something.  As I hugged him, I felt like I was containing a massive storm in my skinny arms.  “I’m never going to leave you, ever.  And what’s more, nobody’s going to hurt you again as long as you stay close to me, babes.”

“Babes.”  Feckin’ “babes.”

He looked up at me imploringly, as if I was about to save his life.  “Thank you.  I feel like you’re my guardian angel sometimes, you know.” 

You’re my guardian angel…  Whaaat do you saaay?…

Oh, come on.  ‘What Does The Fox Say?’ is a whole lot less annoying than a scene featuring Gary and Anja.

He started to look angry.  “But you know what, Anja? I’m being selfish to you, which is typical of me. 

YES.

You shouldn’t have to comfort me all the time. 

THIS IS ALSO TRUE.

You only just turned sixteen, and your biggest worry should be how you’re going to get rid of the spots on your forehead!  You shouldn’t have to worry about being someone’s girlfriend, psychiatrist, agony aunt and surrogate mum rolled into one! 

…OK, I’ve been talking a lot about the Oedipal overtones, but I love the fact that Gary outright acknowledges them here.  Neither he nor Anja does anything about it, but at least they’re not under any illusions.

I’m causing you a whole lot of pain, Anja, and don’t deny it because I can tell that I’m hurting you! 

Shell has now been completely forgotten.  Gary’s world revolves around Anja once again, as it always should.

Like I said, it’s typical.  All I’ve ever wanted in my life is for someone to love me, and whenever someone does I wreck their lives!”

“For heaven’s sake, do you ever stop whinging?”

Hee!  Best line in the whole book.

I recognized this voice as Joe’s.  Rather than being concerned about Gary like he’d been in the first week at Mark and Estelle’s, he was staring at him as if Gary had done something extremely annoying. 

I think Shell’s parents would use a stronger word than “annoying.”

“If Anja says she’ll love you forever, she means it, alright?” he snapped, “If she says that you’re not wrecking her life- as she’s done about a hundred bleeding times- she means it!  So can you please stop feeling guilty about everything!  It’s doing my head in!”

By now, sixteen-year-old-me had been writing this story for about eight months, and was getting completely sick of the characters.  I stuck to my original plans for the story, but I didn’t enjoy it much.  So at this point in the story, Joe is speaking for me.

(Oh, and I love the fact that Joe thinks Gary’s problem is “feeling guilty about everything.”  Rather than “being a passive-aggressive little herbert.”)

I was giving Joe daggers. 

“He used those daggers to slaughter me and Gary, thus freeing the world from our wicked influence.”

He couldn’t see that Jordan had sucked Gary dry.  In the space of a few years, he’d taken his few friends, his self-esteem, and worst of all, his will to live.  It was only through extremely good luck that Gary was getting any of this back.  But Joe was giving him a look that people usually only reserve for kids who are overreacting.

Worse still, Gary was acting like this was a perfectly reasonable reaction.  “Sorry, Joe,” he sniffed, “It’s just that someone I knew had died, and that sort of brought it all back.  I just don’t want to hurt Anja like that.” 

Once again, he’s utterly forgotten about Shell.  Whose death was COMPLETELY HIS FAULT, in case you needed reminding.

“Gary,” Joe said through gritted teeth, “Read my lips; you won’t.  Anja can look after herself.”  He grinned.  “I think she proved that around the time she kicked Mr. Daly’s butt.”

Angry with Joe for bringing that up on top of everything else, I said the first thing that came into my head.  “Joe?” I asked, my tone cold with rage, “Who’s Violet?” 

FINALLY.

This is the point where Chapter Sixteen ends, having achieved nothing but making our main characters all the more loathsome.  Onto the next one.

“Violet,” Joe groaned sarcastically, “Now I wonder who told you about her.”  He looked as though he thought that this was yet another thing to annoy him.  “And I suppose Dad told you I killed her.” 

Actually… No, he didn’t.  He said that you did something “unforgivable,” but that could mean anything.  You wouldn’t last five minutes in a police interrogation, matey.

I had only ever been more furious once in my life, and that was with Mr. Daly.  “You said,” I hissed slowly, “that you didn’t know why your dad never liked you.”

He shot me that slimy grin again, as if I’d just walked into a trap.  “And I didn’t.  The whole reason he blamed me for what happened to Vi was because he couldn’t stand me.  It was like that ever since I was born.  It just got worse after Vi died.”

“So,” I said in a voice that could freeze the Sahara Desert, “How did she die?” 

I love how Joe isn’t reacting at all to Anja’s slow hissing and freezing deserts.  You might almost think that Anja’s fury was completely ineffectual!

“Well,” he replied, sitting down, “it was a while after Leah was born.  Mum decided we needed a break in order to ‘bond with her,’ so we went off to Cornwall for the summer.  Emily’s family went as well.   

“But don’t worry, they’re not important to this story at all.”

Jack and I were eleven and Vi was eight.  Vi had always been our dad’s favourite until Leah put on an appearance, I think the worm was beginning to turn around then.  But Dad was still keen for Vi to stay inside and read with Emily and her older sister rather than watch telly or mess about on the beach with us rowdy boys.  That went against all Vi’s instincts- she was probably in the running for the queen of tomboys- and she kept sneaking out with us.”  Joe sighed.  “So one day, when Mum and Dad had taken Leah and Robbie to this historical site… 

Who takes a baby and a toddler to a historical site, and leaves behind the older kids who might actually understand what’s going on?

…Vi managed to slip out of Emily’s clutches and run off with us again.  Emily’s parents didn’t really mind- they thought it was good for us to get exercise. 

Note how neither Emily’s parents nor her sister get names.  Even though they’re apparently old family friends.

So Jack, Vi, Vick and me were looking for interesting things on this beach- I think an ice-cream stall was top of our list- when Vi suggested we go swimming.  Vick said ‘We can’t, the red flags are up.  That means the water’s too dangerous.’   But Vi said she didn’t care, and she was going swimming regardless.  So then, one of us- I can’t remember which one it really was, but Dad always assumed it was me- said ‘Bet you won’t,’ and she replied, ‘Bet I will,’ and it basically turned into a big argument, and we all ended up daring her to go to the end of the pier and dive in.” 

Wait, why would you dare somebody to do something they were going to do anyway?

I guessed the end of the story.  “And she drowned?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Joe replied, “I mean, we all thought it would be alright, because Vi was the best swimmer we knew.  And for the first five minutes or so, she was fine.  When she stood up to try to get out, though, the trouble started.  Someone must have thrown a broken bottle in or something, because she cut her foot and sunk.  Vick tried to get in and save her, but when he got to the bottom her other foot was caught in something, and before he could free it he had to come up for air, so a lifeguard spotted him.  They got Vick out in time, but not Vi.  I think Dad felt guilty because he wasn’t there, so he had to pick out a scapegoat.  I was the one he didn’t like, so guess what?”  The sullen anger had returned to Joe’s face.  “Mum stopped him from telling me I’d killed her after it happened, but he kept throwing it in my face from then on.  His favourite had died, and it was the black sheep’s fault, that’s what he’d decided.  I seriously think if it hadn’t been for my mum, he would have thrown me out and not let any of the others speak to me again.  And bear in mind I was only eleven.  The fact is, that man is too weak to admit his own guilt, so he had to blame the whole thing on a kid who’d made a mistake.”  He looked up, still furious.  “So there you have it.  That’s what happened to Vi.” 

Hmm.  OK.  That provides a reasonable explanation for James’ hatred, without making Joe unlikable as a character.  After all, eleven-year-old boys do stupid things sometimes, and only somebody driven mad by grief would try and infer some sort of malice there.  Hopefully now that she knows the facts, Anja and Joe can make up.

I don’t know why I didn’t believe him.  Maybe hating him had been a habit for so long that I couldn’t break it now. 

GAH.  You’re what’s wrong with humanity, Anja.

But the fact is that I might have said something that I’d have regretted if Cherry hadn’t come home then.

“Hi, y’all,” she muttered from the hallway, “Tell you what, Joe, you’d have liked it at our date today.  That Vick is obsessed with you.  Last time I go for a drink with him, that’s for sure…” She came in and saw our faces- mine defiant, Joe’s angry and Gary’s distraught.  Cherry folded her arms.  “Who died?”

“Well, recently, a friend of Gary’s.  Not so recently, my sister Vi.”  Joe grimaced.  “That’s what we were talking about.”

Cherry frowned.  “I’m sorry, Gary,” she said, “And I can tell exactly how sympathetic Joe’s been.”  She glared at Joe for a minute, then lost her train of thought. 

…Cherry, he just told you they’d been talking about his dead sister.  OK, the readers know that he wasn’t sympathetic towards Gary, but how would Cherry work that out from what he said?  If anything, she’d assume that he’d been commiserating with Gary over their shared losses.

“Speaking of Violet, that was one of the topics of romantic conversation Vick termed suitable for our date.  Such a seductive fella, your Vick.  I can see where all the tact went in your family.”  She smiled, then saw that her semi-compliment was having no effect on Joe whatsoever.  “I mean, does he seriously think that constantly going on about how his dead brother killed his equally dead sister is going to endear him to me?   

So, wait, if Cherry wasn’t shocked by this, does that mean she already knew how Violet died?  So she could have told Anja at any point?  So this whole plotline could have been avoided?

I suppose I should just be grateful it wasn’t his mum, else I’d have been expecting to get stabbed next time I took a shower.”  She grinned.

Huh.  A cultural reference that isn’t just there for the sake of being there.  Sixteen-year-old me is learning!

“My entire family obsesses about Vi,” Joe replied morosely, not getting the joke, “Well, except Jack.  Even Leah’s really curious about her.”

(It wasn’t just curiosity on Leah’s part, I found out later.  Leah suspected that her parents wanted to remake her in Vi’s image, so she was rebelling.  Leah found out everything she could about Vi and tried to be exactly the opposite.  The result was that Leah was turning out to be an incredibly quiet girl who spent most of her time reading and got good marks in school.  Strangely enough, I don’t think that her rebellion was backfiring- while Melissa was understandably relieved to have such a well-behaved daughter after four loud and annoying sons, James was still hoping that one day Leah would be more like Vi.)

“Why not Jack?” Gary asked.

“To be honest, I have no idea.   

SPOILERS- It was for exactly the reason you might think.

I think he was just so freaked out about what happened that he avoids reminding himself of it.   

SPOILERS- Exactly the reason you might think.

Though why he thinks marrying Emily will help him forget, I have no idea.  She’s fascinated with anything bad that’s happened to anyone else, the stupid tart. 

“Also, she tells people that their mothers love their nonexistent sisters better than them.  She should be burned at the stake.”

She never shut up even when we were kids.”  He sneered out of the window.  “It’s just typical of Jack to marry someone our parents love so very much.   He’s such a complete toady, it just makes you want to throw up.”

I rolled my eyes.  “So, to recap, you hate everyone.  Got it.”  

LIKE YOU CAN TALK.

“Well, I have to,” Joe snarled, “‘Cause it looks like everyone hates me, don’t they?”

Nothing got any better over the next few weeks, either.  Joe was rarely seen outside of his room, and when he was I felt like telling him to go right back in there and never come out.  Cherry and I never even tried to talk to him…

Oh, that makes a change.

…and Gary’s one conversation with him was pretty messy.  I only caught the end of it from outside of the kitchen, but whatever it was about, Joe was very unreasonable.

“…He could turn up any minute, Joe, and I know she’ll stick by me and everything, but I still won’t last five minutes.  It’s not clear how much time we have, so I want to make the most of things while I’m still…  So what do you think?” 

“Whatever it was about.”  Who do you think it’s about, Anja?

“I think you two lovebirds should stop rubbing it in that I haven’t got a girlfriend, that’s what I think.” 

Joe is now thirteen years old.  Good to know.

And with that, Joe stormed back up into his hideout.  Even Ben was starting to complain that Joe was no fun anymore.

Speaking of Gary, by the way, that conversation spoke volumes about his mentality around then.  The “she” in the conversation was me, as you’ve probably guessed, but the “he,” I can tell you now, was Jordan.   

…So you did know who it was about?  Then why…  Oh, never mind.

Gary was terrified that the complications in his trial would mean that Jordan would be released on bail, or even escape. 

Those complications are your fault, Gary.  No point complaining about them now.

I’d told him that, in the unlikely event of Jordan seeing daylight at any point in the next twenty years, he still thought we were dead and would therefore come nowhere near us.  That did no good whatsoever.  Gary started to worry that James Foster would bail Jordan out and lead him to us.

“James might have worked out that we’re all alive, so he’s looking through the lists of people that want one or more of us dead.  Who’s he going to find?” Gary had whimpered. 

SPOILERS- This doesn’t happen.  Once again, that would be far too interesting.  It would also require James to be an actual threat.

“Calm down, OK?  Number one, nobody can bail him out now, especially after all this business with Shell, number two, James Foster is hardly…”

“He could help him escape, though.  I mean, prison can’t be that hard to escape from, can it?  People do it all the time in films, so it’s probably possible for a really cunning and smart person to do it in real life.  And Jordan is cunning and smart, so if he has someone on the outside to help him then…” Gary’s face looked like it was about to crumple with terror.  If people are really scared, they can believe anything.

When the phone rang one day, Gary was in such a tense state that he nearly jumped five metres into the air.  I think Mark would have been insulted that Gary found his phone call so terrifying, especially when you consider that Mark was over the moon to be calling us. 

Once again, no idea where to put the comic relief.

“Hi, Anj,” Mark squeaked with exhilaration.

“Hi, Mark.  What incredibly great thing do you want to tell me about?”

“Well, put it this way- it’s a girl!”  Mark paused for long enough for me to congratulate him, then carried on.  “Anja, this is the greatest thing that’s ever happened!  I can’t believe I’m a dad!  I mean, she’s so beautiful you wouldn’t guess I had anything to do with her genes, except…”

“So what are you going to call her?” I squeaked back.

Mark’s voice sounded slightly gloomier when he replied, though anything would have sounded more gloomy than his original tone.  “Well, we thought we’d call her Eugenia.  Jean for short.  You know, since I wouldn’t have even met Estelle if it hadn’t been for Jean.”  I could practically hear him start to grin over the phone.  “Oh, and we thought we’d make her middle name Svetlana.  You know, to get on Cherry’s nerves.”

That’s a great way to pick your child’s name!  Annoying your friends and relatives!  To this end, my first son is going to be called Southend United Suck.  His middle name will be Eric.

I started laughing, and wondered if the birth of Eugenia Svetlana Freeman (poor kid) would hail the start of a new era for me.   

“For me.”  “For me.”

Maybe, now that there was a new life involved (loosely) in this, everything would work out alright after all.

It didn’t.

Nor did you deserve it to.

Just three chapters and an epilogue to go!  Join us again for Chapter Eighteen, in which Melissa doesn’t strangle Anja, even though no jury in the world would convict her.