Last week, I was at karaoke, singing “Happy Hour” by the Housemartins (because, as we’ve established, I’m cool like that), when I noticed something about the lyrics.  What with the lines “where the haircuts smile / and the meaning of style / is a night out with the boss” and “he tells me that women grow on trees / and if you catch them right they will land upon their knees,” it could be a theme song for anybody who has ever had to put up with the Hubert Puberts of the world.  So I decided to put together a Hubert-themed playlist, as a (hopefully) final goodbye to girls and all who sailed in her.

“Help The Aged” by Pulp:  A song about what Hubert wants in a relationship (“give a hand, if you can / try and help them to unwind / give them hope and give them comfort / cause they’re running out of time“).

“Material Girl” by Madonna:  What Hubert imagines that women see in him (“cause the boy with the cold hard cash / is always Mr Right“).

“Now You’re A Man” by DVDA:  I’m not going to spoil the lyrics for you- just click on it and listen for yourself (but not if you’re around small children).  It’s very Hubert, especially the second verse.

“See You Later, Alligator” by Bill Haley and his Comets:  In honour of the heroic alligator farmer early on in the book.

“Pretty Vacant” by the Sex Pistols:  An accurate description of Hubert’s dream woman.

“Jilted John” by Jilted John:  What happens whenever Hubert makes the mistake of competing with a man who has actual positive traits, such as the alligator farmer or Clay the copper (“Oh, she is cruel and heartless / to pack me in for Gordon / just cause he’s better looking than me / just cause he’s cool and trendy“).

“Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears:  OK, the lyrics don’t have much to do with Hubert, but the song was obliquely referenced in the book itself, so it seemed worth putting in.  Plus, the video features a pretty eighteen-year-old dancing around in a school uniform, so Hubert probably watches it on repeat constantly.

“Perfect” by Alanis Morissette:  Hubert’s vision of ideal parenting (“don’t forget to win first place / don’t forget to keep that smile on your face“).

“He’s Misstra Know-It-All”” by Stevie Wonder:  A depiction of Hubert’s business practices (“makes a deal / with a smile / knowing all the time that his lie’s a mile“).

“Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne:  In honour of Hubert’s strange, five-year-old-harassing friend (“and I know that you think it’s just a fantasy / but since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me“).

And, of course, “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” by The Police.

(I’m sure we all wish that Hubert would take the title literally.)