(I’m going to take a break from “Kelpie and Silkie” for a few months, while I decide what to do with it. Tune in next week for the return of the Warbeck sisters.)
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(A letter delivered to 14 St. Crispian’s Drive, September 2006)
Dear Mr Green, Miss Clements, Miss Pepper and Miss Gharib,
Pardon the intrusion, but I have an offer that I think will interest you.
My name is Joshua Dunn, and I represent Safety First Lettings, an organisation dedicated to the promotion of student safety within our properties. We believe that what happened to you this spring could have been avoided if Berrylands University had taken adequate safety precautions on its campus and in the student housing it offers. For too long, the university has been letting in areas where just anybody can gather. You saw for yourselves how disastrous the results of that can be.
The promise of Safety First is exactly that- the safety of our tenants is our top priority. In addition to reinforced doors and panic buttons within each room, the streets and buildings in which we let are protected by a hired security team. We would be delighted to take you on a tour of some of our properties and show you that a different way of living is possible.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Joshua Dunn
Safety First Lettings (a division of Dalrymple Property Co)
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(A poster in the Student Union, October 2006)
This is ROSALYN PEPPER.
On the 8th of April this year, she saw her flatmate being attacked by a madman with a hammer. Instead of freezing or running away, she calmly walked up to him and tapped the attacker on the shoulder, drawing his attention away. The man broke Rosalyn’s collarbone, but she saved her flatmate’s life.
Forget shallow pop stars and spoiled celebrities. THIS is the sort of person you should be looking up to.
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(From the ‘Berrylands After Dark’ forum, November 2006)
MRowlands:
How much do you want to bet that one of those girls was having an affair with one of the Oakmen guys, and doesn’t want it to come out? Every time I see their pictures, I think, “Yeah, you’ve got something to hide.”
JButter:
My bet would be Clements. Notice how she was conveniently absent from the scene…
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(A letter sent to 14 St Crispian’s Drive, December 2006)
Dear Ms Gharib and Ms Pepper,
I am writing to express my concern about your statements about Bradley Simmons and Gregory Melham. While I can understand your distress about what happened to you on the 2nd of April, the fact remains that these are two individuals who are clearly in need of psychological help. To make matters worse, there is some evidence that they may have been unfairly scapegoated because of their unconventional lifestyle. I hope you can see why, in a situation like this, comments like the ones you made are not helpful.
If you would like to discuss this matter further, my contact details are written below. I would be happy to meet you in the Student Union or elsewhere to explain the situation further. I believe that everyone is capable of learning and doing better- you have the opportunity to prove this to yourselves.
Yours faithfully,
Dean Hazell
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(Graffiti in the men’s toilets near the Rubens building at Berrylands University, January 2007)
Never forget that Mariam Gharib blew up a microwave just to take out an annoying co-worker!!!
camelwithout 