There’s a girl standing in front of the board at Oxford University

Tears in her eyes

Insisting that they should put Peppa Pig Goes to the Dentist on their English Literature syllabus

Because it’s her favourite book in the whole world.

Apparently, that’s me every time I talk to you about something I like.

There’s a girl who insists on standing up

In front of her parents and their guests

Singing them song after song

No matter how many times they tell her that she’s delighted them enough now.

Apparently, that’s me every time I try to show you something I’ve written.

There’s a girl who enlists in the army during wartime

Tells everyone she’ll fight for her country

And prove to the world that a woman can be just as tough as a man

But who, as soon as the drill sergeant raises his voice,

Bursts into tears

Tells him to stop bullying her

And snivels that she wants to go home.

Apparently, that’s me every time I tell you to stop being such an unpleasant little jerk.

And it’s not like you’re angry.

You just feel sorry for me.

You just want me to stop embarrassing myself.

If those girls were real, wouldn’t I want to help them?

Wouldn’t I want to guide them gently back to Earth?

But they’re not, are they?

They never were.

You made them up

Brought them into existence

Just because you knew it would hurt to hear about them.

That’s no way to parent your imaginary children.

There’s somebody who’s always finding cheap ways

To get me to shut up

Because they can’t cope with other people

And think everyone else should be seen and not heard

Because they’re scared we’ll say something they don’t want to hear.

That’s you, that is.